the girl crushing on your ex
One thing about having an amicable breakup is that we share friends. Lots of them.
Naturally, good friends like to play matchmaker and I know our wonderful friends are those people. However, on few to no occasions do I need to know when my ex is getting fixed up with a new lady.
Flashback to last weekend in the cramped bathroom of Boom Boom Room. Two stalls, one broken and barricaded by chairs and an "out of order" sign. Still, girl after girl tries to shove her way through the chairs to relieve herself.
Once the bathroom empties, I’m waiting for my friend Sally when two cute blonde girls bust through the door talking about a guy. You know it's good when you hear that unmistakable pitch and see scrunched faces.
“Oh my gosh, last night was so fun! Will is so cute. When do you think you’ll see him again?!”
The girl blushes and squirms, “I don’t know!” as her friend supportively gushes on.
Minding my own business, I don’t think anything of it because there are a million guys named Will out there in the world. What are the odds they’re talking about my Will?
Several long minutes pass as I drown out the girls’ giddy chatter.
Sal finally emerges from the stall and as she washes her hands, she catches a glimpse in the mirror and recognizes the girls right away. In that moment, it struck me that the odds were higher than I thought and apparently not in my favor. Lucky me!
“Omg Hillary! What are you doing here?!”
“Sally! Last night was so much fun. We were JUST talking about Will! And we were...”
Sal’s face drops as her eyes dart at me and in a hurried attempt to divert the awkwardness that would inevitably ensue, she introduces me. “Oh! Um. So this is actually Will’s ex-girlfriend…”
The girls turn to me wide-eyed and say nothing. *Cringe*
I offer a reflexive smile and handshake but it's a blur. I didn't catch the girl's name, so I can't even stalk her once this is all over. I’m also a little stoned and fail at making light of the situation by joking, “Oh, that’s the Will you two were talking about..."
The friend blurts out, “Oh Will…that guy? He’s so mediocre… ha…ha….” Awkward joke, amiga.
I follow up with a genuine attempt to ease the tension. “You don't have to say that. He’s really great. Like really. And I’m happy to hear that…” And I trail off because what are you supposed to say when you meet the girl hoping to date your ex.
I meant what I said though and I hope it came through somehow. In letting go of our relationship, what I hope for him is the same as what I hope for myself - to find our people. It just wouldn't feel right to wish anything less for someone that was such a significant and positive part of my life. When a relationship ends, it doesn't mean the care you feel for that person all of a sudden goes away. In our case, we just weren't meant to be together forever and that's okay. I choose to feel love and warmth for him over jealousy or spite.
In retelling this story, I've noticed that many expect me to feel angry and resentful or to have been cold toward this girl. Sure, I could have but it wasn't what came naturally. It ended up being an unexpected affirmation that maybe I’m letting go of the heaviness of the breakup. Maybe I've let go of the lingering why-s and if only-s.
And if I'm being honest, I don't know that I would’ve handled being on the other end any better. It's hard not to feel bad for her when you see her channeling disappearing Homer:
Had she reacted more confidently (or let’s be real, been an absolute smokeshow), I may have been quicker to put my guard up. But she was clearly so uncomfortable that I felt more sympathy towards her than jealousy or spite.
In a twisted way, meeting the girl crushing on my ex made me feel less guilty about my own attempts to move on, not that I should feel guilt in the first place, but knowing that he's on his way to finding someone who is truly a better fit for him gives me solace that the turmoil of our breakup will all be worth it in the end. For both of us.